Hope & Joy
Kia ora,
Our March blog is a reflection on our journey so far to becoming parents - holding onto hope, while continuing to find joy in life.
Hope
“A feeling of desire for something and confidence in the possibility of its fulfilment”.
When we first set out on the journey to start a family, we knew that it will be a long road ahead, with the real possibility that this may not be achievable. Having read up on the available resources online, talking to people who have gone through the process, engaging with a fertility clinic representative and joining support groups on social media, the task before us seemed daunting, overwhelming and for some parts of the process, unfair - for example, needing to prove one is “fit and proper” to Oranga Tamariki just to adopt your own child born through surrogacy due to an outdated adoption law from 1955 and paying thousands of dollars in legal fees for the privelege.
The biggest challenge for us, as a gay male couple and those with infertility struggles who have no other option, is finding a surrogate. Often, a surrogate is a family member or a close friend, so finding someone that you have no relationship with to be a surrogate for you requires motivation, determination, resilience, patience and a bit of luck.
Considering New Zealand’s population size and the fact that commercial surrogacy is illegal here, connecting with an incredible woman, willing to carry a baby for you out of the kindness of her heart is hard, but not impossible. To give you an idea, on a popular New Zealand website for intending parents, donors and surrogates (Love makes a family), intending parents outnumber surrogates by almost 10 to 1. Many intending parents have been searching for a surrogate for a number of years - the emotional and mental toll of this search surely weighs heavy at times, but seeing people persevering inspires us to keep pursuing our dream. At the same time, we also feel for potential surrogates who are innundated with messages as soon as they make themselves known, having to navigate through some heartbreaking stories from people desperate to become parents.
While it feels like we are early into our journey, having put the word out there only 7 months ago compared to others who have been trying for a long time, it’s hard not to reflect occassionally on where we’re at and sense checking that we have the bandwith to continue the journey. Don’t get us wrong, we’re extremely fortunate to already have a kind, selfless friend offer to be our egg donor, but for our own wellbeing, self-awareness is important so we can avoid getting to a point where the search for a surrogate and our desire to have a child becomes the all consuming thing in our life that affects our own relationship. Since being on this journey, we’re always thinking:
Are we putting ourselves out there enough?
How much of our life do we want to share with people?
Are we sharing too much or too little?
Are we saying the right things or the wrong things to a potential surrogate?
How often should we post on social media without coming across as spammers?
How long do we set money aside for the IVF and surrogacy process, while holding off on things in our life that also require attention?
The list of thoughts goes on and on, but we remain realistic and know that at some point, we may need to call it a day if the stars don’t align for us. For now though, we’ll keep giving it our all to realise our dream of becoming parents one day and as many others do that share the same path, we’ll continue to hold onto “hope”. Hope is a source of strength and optimism for us - it’s a reminder to not give up and to be patient. We share this hope with all parents to be, surrogates and donors out there and wish everyone a happy and healthy future, no matter the outcome.
Joy
“A deep feeling or condition of happiness or contentment”.
To stay hopeful, you need a bit of joy in your life and in March, for us, this means:
Catching up with life-long friends - Nann caught up with one of his best friends, G, who now lives in the U.S with her husband, so it’s always a treat to see her when she’s in the country. Ryan caught up with friends, who he doesn’t get to see as often anymore due to everyone now living in different towns/cities. They decided to all catch up for a weekend in Tauranga and Ryan almost came back with a kitten who decided to follow him back to their accommodation one night! As we get older, we may drift a little farther away from our friends, but those who bring you joy and happiness are friends for life, no matter the distance and are your biggest cheerleaders. Cherish each other’s company whenver the opportunity arises!
Going for walks - Moving and staying active is good for the mind, body and soul, so if you’re ever visiting Waipū, check out the Waipū Coastal Walkway. The walk is approximately 6km return and will take about 1 and half to 2 hours, or maybe a little longer if you stop frequently to take in the views! We always start the walk from the Waipū Cove end as there is ample parking if you get there early and finish at Ding Bay before returning. On a hot, sunny day, we’ll go for a dip at the best beach in New Zealand as voted by the public (Waipū Cove) to cool down, then grab an ice-cream at the Waipū Cove General Store or a beer at The Cove Cafe, or both, because why not! Check out our IG - @nann_ryan to watch a short clip of the walk.
Note, there is a small stream at the start of the walk from Waipū Cove, so check the tide as you may need to wade through some water - nothing extreme but something to think about if you’re bringing kids along.
Going to a concert - Ryan is a big fan of “The Beths”, a New Zealand indie rock band who are doing a world tour in 2026 and they had Kerikeri of all places as one of their stops on the tour. It’s awesome to see artisits visit smaller towns in New Zealand and with Ryan’s Nana also living in Kerikei, we decided to buy tickets and take the opportunity to see Nana at the same time. Indie rock is not usually on Nann’s playlist, but he knew a few of the songs on the night from Ryan playing their tunes over the years and really enjoyed the concert. The supporting band, “Dateline” was great also. We encourage you to support local New Zealand artists and see them live if you can - tickets are much cheaper than the big international artists and the venues are often way more intimate!
“Life is short - make the most of it, create memories, be kind & find your happy place”
